Greetings, wonderful readers! One of the great perks of being a member of RAVE REVIEWS BOOK CLUB is the amazing opportunity to meet many talented indie authors. Today, I am honored to share my blog with one such talent. Introducing this month’s RRBC Spotlight Author Rebecca Reilly!
Rebecca Reilly is a retired pastor, a massage therapist, and the author of Christian Sex and Marriage—It’s Complicated.
Too Emotionally and/or Physically Tired to Make Love
I look at my to-do list, and I want to crawl back in bed and cry. By the end of the day, I want to fall into bed and sleep.
I start my day taking care of my aging parents, then it’s get the kids to school, go to work, pick up kids, pick up dinner, and collapse on the sofa. I don’t have the energy to brush my teeth, much less have sex before I fall into bed.
I imagined a near-every-night scenario for sex. But life kind of takes over. Everything is good, but by the end of the day, neither of us want to do anything under the covers but sleep.
I hate to admit it, but I’m older now. I thought we’d have more sex once the kids left the house. But in reality, I start nodding off as soon as the dishes are done.
I’m too tired for sex is the number one reason people give for climbing into bed and going straight to sleep. True or not, those words take a huge emotional toll on marriage. In sexual speak, when one partner says, “I’m too tired,” the other partner hears, “I’m not interested in you.” Contrary to what many wives believe, men hear and feel the emotional rejection as deeply as women.[i]
Life, no matter how good it is, tends to wear us out and push the yearning for sex into the background. Age, health, busyness, stress, and emotional upheaval negatively affect sexual hormones and literally dry up our drive. Ironically, sexual stimulation and satisfaction can create an energy burst that fuels us both physically and emotionally long after the act.
Too tired to make love with your mate? The cure is to make love with your mate.
Sounds easy, but it’s not. If you are consistently too tired for passion, you must dedicate extra energy throughout the day to build passion and prepare yourself for your spouse. A sexy thought, a moment to remember the love of your mate creates anticipation and readies you to make love. Your mind energizes your body. Make intercourse with your spouse a focal point of your thoughts—twenty seconds at a time, every hour of your day.
Here is some advice from couples who take proactive steps to conquer sleepiness and prepare for passion:
- Fantasize about your mate. As you drive to work, clean the house, and eat your lunch, bring to mind how his chest feels to your hand as you run your fingers across him. Think about how she looks in your favorite lingerie. Remember a past erotic event you shared. Imagine what you’d like to feel tonight. Your mind is powerful. Your body responds to your thoughts and prepares itself. Ten seconds here, thirty seconds there, not much time is needed to groom your mind and body to be awake later that night. Limit your fantasies to your spouse. Fantasy lives that are out of control, or inappropriate, tear apart marriages instead of unifying them. If you struggle in this area, this option is not one for you to explore.
- Whisper in her ear as you kiss her goodbye in the morning. Tell her you want her, you’ll be thinking about making love with her all day, and tell her how you want to make her feel that night. Wives, men love this too! By speaking your passion, your desire grows. Hearing your spouse’s yearnings spurs your own.
- Getting your blood flowing raises your endorphins (feel good hormones). Exercise raises self-esteem and helps men and women feel sexier. Jogging or lifting weights provides time to fantasize about your spouse, too.
- Bathe, shave, and use essential oils to help increase your personal sense of sexuality. Wear lingerie under your work clothes.
- Believe you are desirable to your spouse. Take steps to increase his or her desire.
- Sip some coffee before bed. Drink just enough for a quick pick-me-up if you feel your energy lagging. Be careful not to overdose and keep yourself up all night.
- Women, flex your inner thighs throughout the day. Kegal exercises tighten you up, but they also stimulate your sex glands.
- Shake up your evening routine. Skip television. Feed each other dessert. Give each other massages. Try different activities that help you focus on each other.
- Write erotica. Just like fantasizing, your erotica focuses on your mate and your marriage. Write down your sexiest memory of your spouse. Write it in great detail. Better yet, write erotica together. Text him the first line of your story. He sends back the second line. Read your masterpiece together that night, and then add more to the story.
- And finally, make love. Do not wait until you’re in the mood to have sex. We’ve been taught that our sexual cycle moves from desire to arousal to orgasm to resolution. Research suggests, however, that for women in long-term relationships, desire often comes after arousal. If you allow yourself to be receptive to your spouse’s seduction, you will become aroused, and then desire blooms.
[i] Shaunti Feldhahn, For Women Only: What You Need to Know About the Inner Lives of Men (Multnomah, 2004),
On Your Own
- How would you rate your sex drive? Is it lower, higher, or combatable with your mate’s?
- What do you do to communicate your sexual needs to your spouse? Do you find him or her responsive? Are you responsive to their needs?
- If your sex drive is lower than your spouse’s, can you pinpoint something in your life or beliefs that might be contributing to that? Is there something you can change to bring your sexual desire to a more even level?
- If your sex drive is higher than your spouse’s, what are you doing to bring your desire levels to a more even level?
Sometime this week, say these things to your spouse:
- I desire you.
- You satisfy me.
- Thank you for loving me.
- You are worthy to be loved.
- I am worthy to be loved.
- I love you. I’m glad I married you. I’d marry you again tomorrow.
- Do we make love as often as you need or want?
- What can I do to meet your sexual needs?
- Do you think our sex drive is compatible? Do you see our sexual drive levels as evenly matched? If not, what can we do to meet each other’s needs?
- What can I do for you at this moment to show my love for you?
Purchase Rebecca Reilly’s
Christian Sex and Marriage—It’s Complicated
Amazon Paperback: http://bit.ly/SexMarriagePB
Barnes and Noble: http://bit.ly/sexBN
Follow Rebecca Reilly:
Website (sign up for her newsletter): rebeccareilly.net